Tue, 25 May 2010

1 Preparation

Preparation is everything and less is more. 

First, find the shittiest tyres you can, the set bike came with when new should do the job nicely and don't bother checking the pressures as no good can come of this. 

Most importantly, under no circumstances use tyre warmers, these are only used by the kind of riders who want to stay on their bikes for the first couple of laps. 

2 Getting Noticed

There is little point in crashing if no one knows who you are. 

So before setting off to crash, be sure to walk around the pit area regaling any one who will listen [or can't get away] with exciting tales of how good you are, how you once did a 59 second lap or f&%#d Elton John.  It doesn't really matter what you say as no one gives a shit anyway. 

Finally, no self respecting crasher can leave pit lane without either doing a p*$$ poor wheelie or riding within inches of the marshals at speed and scaring the s#*t out of them.  It's always good to get those guys on side. 

3 Location

Find a corner where every one can see you, preferably at the start of the lap. 

Even your 12-year-old ditch-seeking tyres will warm up eventually.  I find turn 2 at Collie perfect for the job and have used it on several occasions.

4 The Crash

Obviously this is very much up to personal preference, the standard highside, lowside, front end lose, all perfectly adequate if not a little mundane. 

I prefer something a bit more inventive so this is what I tried on the weekend, please feel free to try this if you wish: 

Ride past the pit lane entrance and take your eyes off the track [it's much harder to crash if you're looking where you're going].  Wave to friends and associates with your left hand, whilst clipping the inside kerb with your front wheel.  Now give the throttle a good hard twist with your right hand.  This should ensure that both your cold crappy tyres let go at once pushing you way past the point of no return.  A point technically known to us racers as being 'proper f&%#d'. 

Do enjoy.

5 Post Crash Etiquette

Never ever get up after a crash. 

Not only will this require a fair bit of effort on your part and lets be honest - you've done more than enough.  But those lazy pricks of marshals are likely to want a hand picking up what's left of your bike, I should f&%#g cocoa, take my tip: wait for the ambulance to take you to the local hospital for some tea and sympathy and if you whinge enough they will even cut your leathers off for you saving even more effort.

Finally, just ignore those who say you are a useless p*$$ weak twat - they're just jealous.

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